Hospice... still waiting & Tough Decisions

Still no definite news about Hospice. It is wonderful having 'connections' in town... Barb & her daughter Jackie know who to call to get help in the community... so now we just are waiting to see if it gets approved. If not... at least we know we tried! And we will try again & again until she gets it!!

Brad got to his Mom's around lunchtime Tuesday... Jean was there helping to feed Cath & he took over. He said she did really well when he helped her... small and spaced out bites helps her so much!! He went out for lunch with Jean & Barb and that cheered him up a bit. Just to talk to people who understand what is going on... instead of having to explain it... spending time with people who care for her. (He passed up an opportunity to go fishing on Lake Michigan with friends Tuesday... I can't remember the last time he spent a day having fun!! But truly... spending time with his Mom while he still can, and visiting with her friends was where he wanted to be!!) He tried to stay and spend time with his Mom... but he said to me, "It is so hard to sit there and look at her... having a one way conversation... wondering if she knows me..." He was comforted by hearing that when she looks at her photo book she is still able to point out who her boys are. When asked which one is Brad... she will point at Brad, which one is Toby... she will point at Toby, which one is Ryan... she will point at Ryan!!! She may not be able to express it... but she still knows!!

Brad then headed over to his parents place to work on a few things for his Dad... cutting down some dead trees & chopping up wood on their land (he smelled like an oak tree when he got home!!). Ryan (younger brother) came out for a while and helped him... Brad was so glad to have had that time with Ryan... they haven't had much time together & he really needed that. They are both dealing with Cathy's illness in their own way... but they both Love their Mom dearly... and they need each other.

He has also talked to Toby (older brother) on the phone regularly. Toby is trying hard to find some time to come back for a weekend. Between his Air Force schedule, their home business, 4 kids, & a 7+ hour drive back... it is difficult for him to find time! We know he wants to be here & that this is hard for him... Cathy is used to him being a long distance away & was always proud of what he was doing. It is hard when they ask us how she is doing... how fast is she changing... how much longer do you think we have with her? It is so hard to say. We don't want to rush him home if the time isn't close... we don't want to hurry him home to see how much she has gone downhill... but yet we dont want to say maybe 6 months and then it only be 1 month and he doesn't make it back before then. I am so Thankful Cathy has her build-a-bear. They still sit on her bed right next to her pillow... even though most everything else is usually put away. She can hear his voice by squeezing the bears hand... Priceless!

Tracy (Toby's wife & my friend since age 4!) has been a huge support for me. We talk as friends & family. Over the past few years I feel like I have drove her crazy talking through my emotions about this... caring for cathy. And only up until recently has she switched from listening & supporting... to asking questions... she said it is starting to hit her more now as well. I am so Thankful that she has listened to me... I am sure at times thinking... lets talk about something else. I have dealt with this disease on the frontline while helping take care of her (& I know if Tracy lived closer she would have jumped in & helped as well!!) & for me I am grieving through the process. But I worry that for them... living 7+ hours away & being unable to see her as often... she is maybe just beginning. (She has gone through a pregnancy & baby #4 throughout this time... her main focus was her kids... as it should be) I think of their eldest child... who is only 10 days younger than Chase. They are the 2 grandkids that will remember the most about Grandma... & that will remember her before she was sick. She is an Amazing girl... so tender hearted & loving... I am not sure I want her to see Grandma now since I see the hurt in Chase's eyes when he sees her... yet, when I ask Chase he still wants to go... so maybe she should spend time with her again?.?. If only we knew what was the right thing to do.

I was in 4th grade when my Grandfather passed away... I remember the night & I remember being so angry with my parents for not taking me with them to the hospital... I remember sitting with the babysitter & staring at the clock. Now as an adult... I understand why they made that choice. But I still wish I could have had one last hug from him. I remember visiting him in the hospital while he was sick (being snuck in since the policy was no kids... Thanks a million to that nurse!). But I honestly don't remember what he looked like then. My memories of him are of him sitting in his recliner... with his Bible next to his chair & a book about WW2... asking me to untie his shoes & laughing his boisterous laugh. I hope Chase looks back on Cathy & mostly remembers the good times as well.

Tough Decisions

(It is hard to think about these things... but it will be much easier when the time comes to have the decisions in place.)

Gayle had some tough days last week. As Dad... he tries his best to not worry everyone & be the Rock... but things are getting harder every day. And just with the mention of Hospice... the reality of it all is starting to really sink in. He has had to start thinking about the inevitable... visiting with the funeral home... the church & cemetery... When we were there last weekend he handed me a pamphlet about the funeral home. He said that they mentioned to him that on the day of/when it is time to make the decisions, that all 3 boys are represented by themselves or by their wives... so they all have a chance to voice their feelings... such as what they want to happen... paul bearers, music, etc... It is hard to make these decisions. Brad & Toby talked about it a bit. Brad tried to talk to Ryan... but Ryan just doesn't seem ready to talk about it yet. Everyone deals with these things differently & in their own time.

I have a CD of pictures made & ready to send to Toby... so he can put together a video of some kind if he is up to it... he is much more computer savvy than I am. (Gayle mentioned putting one of these together... & since I am closer I scanned pictures I found at the house... but I feel like it should be Toby putting it all together) I stayed up until 3 am the other night listening to music. Music seems to help me deal with things... a good cry & is good medicine for me. Songs like the ones I have playing on the blog... and many others that I have on my ipod. Everyone has their own coping devices.

Below I am going to attach a picture I took on Sunday of the kids with Cathy... walking around the NH. And also an email I received from Jean today.

Note from Jean:

Hi Brad.Beth,Mia and Chase
We have finished winterizing our
pool, what a job that was!!!! Took
a couple hours to visit Cathy this
afternoon, in fact ,Mon. Tues,Wed
and Thursday this week, I feel she
needs us more than ever right now, The last two days I've spent
with her she has wanted me to feed her, she puts the spoon in
front of me and leans toward me
with her mouth open, she seems to eat better when we feed her small bites little at a time, today
Shelly told me they are not giving
her liquids,unless they thicken
them, I didn't know they could do
that with every kind of liquid you
could possibly think of.... The
chocolate milk was thick like Jello.
Very, very, VOCAL today....We
played wheel of fortune and she
seems to enjoy just being around
people.. Barb S. is so good about
visiting Cathy as much as I do, and I know she has a job also.....
Enjoyed having Brad around us on
Tuesday. Cathy gets a big smile
on her face when she sees him
coming down the hallway.....I'm
thinking about taking Cathy to our
homecoming parade Friday,,,,I
should see if someone can come
with me probably???? Hope all is
going well for you all....Love Jean